Shame

On the occasion of Spring Retreat, 2013:

The most difficult part for me is to truly desire humility through insults and wrongs leading to dishonor and shame, “provided only that I can suffer these without sin on the part of another, and without offense of your Divine Majesty.” [Principle and Foundation]

Dishonor and shame is something I experience inwardly every day.  It is the bravado of the external show that, in my feverish mind, “keeps me going.”  If I loose that semblance, that façade, fake and false as I know it is…which itself is the source of and feeds the dishonor and shame, I fear I will disappear, dis-integrate, become disparate parts without a center, without cohesion, without a me, or at least the one that I recognize as me.

This is something on which, in its destruction, the foundations of humility can be built. There is no sin on the part of another for it is an internal paradigmatic shift of under-standing of my being, of appreciation of what “God hath wrought,” of acknowledgement of the true gifts the Spirit has given me gratuitously, from His goodness and mercy, not the false appropriation of them to my illusionary self achievement.

There is no dishonor to your Divine Majesty, for this is the reality, the true picture, the untouched, unaltered photo of your goodness, your largess, your plan, your desire, your very self manifested in your creation, in me.  It is that of which I can, like Paul, boast, of Christ crucified, of the Spirit sanctifying, of the Father, indwelling.

Addressing this is a breakthrough, but it is still very tenuous and malleable.  Help it harden into reality from realization, into practice from a mere proposal, into my very self from a mental suggestion. I ask, I beg of you, Father, in the name of your only beloved Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ, and through the prayers and pleadings of the whole court of heaven, that you grant me the grace, the strength of character, the firmness of will, the stamina of integrity to integrate this true understanding of myself, this acceptance of you as the foundation of my true being, my very self and that I have the courage, the fortitude, the energy, the sustained will, to discard these outmoded, false, malicious lies with which I have built an illusory “reputation,” a false self-image, a pseudo ego, that I have defended, nurtured and harbored within and about myself for all these years. With Mary’s prayers and the Spirit’s grace and guidance, Amen.  Alleluia!!!

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